Hey babes. It’s time to talk about bacon. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah. From Le Swine.
Le Swine – which sounds very much like one of the newspaper headlines about Daddy a couple of years ago which is a total lie and I keep telling them that he should sue them – profess to make “the best bacon butty in town”.
Town being London, not Scunthorpe, one assumes. You might have seen their van in Spitalfields Market – I haven’t because markets are full of riff-raff and even before corona I wasn’t sure what I’d catch there. However, I had heard of them and did consider sending my servant to go buy one, before I realised that it would be rather cold before it arrived back at my gorgeous, upmarket Kensington apartment that is worth lots of money.
And thanks to the worldwide government plot to keep the riff-raff in their homes whilst 5G could be installed to stop people voting for democratic socialism in the future, Le Swine had the genius idea of putting DIY bacon butty kits in the post.
Wow, 2020. I love you sometimes. Only sometimes. But does a bacon butty in the post really live up to the dream?
Le Swine or Les Whine?
So when I ordered, it was a couple of weeks ago just as the heatwave was approaching, and I only recall their having been the choice two kits on the website.
Which was enough for me – I just wanted a bacon butty. The kits also came with bacon butter, chipotle ketchup, mushroom ketchup (I’ve now realised what that other pot is!), sage, milk and onion buns and, most importantly, middle bacon.
There is such a thing as middle bacon? Never saw this in my local Happy Shopper in Scunthorpe growing up.
Even more importantly, you could order in packs of 2 or 4. One of the most frustrating things about modern life is that many people seem to forget that some people live alone, and might not want the same restaurant kit 4 nights in a row. Thank you, Le Swine.
Now there is a third option, or maybe I just didn’t consider it at all, which is to add a Virgin Mary mix and Gordal olives, and this brunch option comes to £32.00.
I just wanted two bacon sandwiches, which came to £12.00 (4 would be £22.50). Plus £5.00 postage and packing. Oh and you also get a free bacon butty voucher to be redeemed at Spitalfields Market. Except I didn’t get a voucher. Or maybe I did but threw it away? Did Daddy really pay £17.00 for two bacon sandwiches for me? Maybe don’t tell him.
Whoa, stop the press. And boycott The Sun, The Mirror, The Daily Express and any other scumbag newspaper writing nasty stories about Daddy and his friends.
Le Swine have even more new options as I write, which include Tabasco chipotle sauce. Maybe you need to go to their website, whilst I finish straightening my hair.
So it was that Friday after that Friday. The second stupidly hot Friday in my perfectly air-conditioned Kensington flat, darlings, and I was awaiting my delivery from Le Swine, via DPD.
It arrived, they left it outside as per my instructions, I came down immediately and was struck by the warmth of the box. Was my bacon butty already cooked?
The bacon was inside an ice pack, alas the ice had long melted and the bacon was warm. No damage, but not ideal. Should I blame Le Swine? Should I blame DPD for not delivering the bacon butty kit first? Should I blame myself for being so dumb to order a bacon sandwich on the second hottest day of the year?
Also the bread was warm…I put it in the fridge to wait until the next day but it was stale. My error? Does bread go in the fridge?
Heatwave-related stumbles apart, all was looking good and I had some exciting unlabeled pots to confuse me.
And most importantly, that bacon.
Believe it or not, the instructions were not that difficult. Even for me and my limited kitchen abilities, which are pretty much pouring drinks into glasses.
I can fry bacon. I can chop sage. I can even season with black pepper.
And most importantly, I can successfully build the bacon butty.
If anyone tells me that they are not hungry right now, then you might as well start writing for the tabloid newspapers about Daddy.
So I hinted that the buns were stale and yeah they were stale, especially on the second day. Not great, but improved with toasting.
Thankfully the bacon was luxurious, the sage a nice added touch and will go on all bacon sandwiches going forwards.
I didn’t really notice the bacon butter, but the chipotle ketchup was tangy and rather delightful, almost had a hint of brown sauce to it in the way it felt on my tongue. I wouldn’t replace my Waitrose ketchup in day-to-day life with it, but it really was complimentary. The mushroom ketchup I only figured out what it was a few paragraphs ago, so that is to come!
Would Daddy think £17.00 was good value for two bacon butties for his princess? Possibly not. But sometimes, you just have to treat yourself, don’t you? And apart from two grams of cocaine and an antique copy of Das Kapital to impress my more intelligent friends on our Zoom calls, this was my only treat that week.
Value for money: 5/10
Ease of cooking: 8/10
Quality Of Ingredients: 7/10
Which gives it an overall score of 68.57142857142857%. Let’s just call it 68.5% shall we?!
Next week I’ll be back with donuts…and I have more burgers coming too. Toodlepip.