Burger & Beyond

Darlings, guess who I ordered a restaurant kit from this week. Yeah, Burger & Beyond. How did you guess that?

OK, guess what I bought. Yeah, fried chicken. From a burger joint.

Trust me, there is logic to this. Well, there is logic and then later in the story this absolutely falls apart like Boris Johnson blaming care workers for covid-19 deaths – except that had no logic in the first place other than to him. Maybe that is a good analogy?

Oh to live in a communist Great Britain. Do you hear of any covid-19 cases in North Korea? Do you hear of any covid-19 cases in Cuba? Even China with its fake capitalism managed covid-19 brilliantly.

Sigh. I shouldn’t talk about politics, should I? Daddy just laughs at me when I tell him of my dream of luxury communism. Mother doesn’t understand it – she does understand fried chicken though.

Beyond Communism

Which brings me back to the my original point…oh and why hasn’t my fucking Tory twatt web designer got back to me? Oh yeah, my original point…why did I order fried chicken from a burger place?

Well, I have no shortage of burger places on my to-do list – Nanny Bill’s, Bleecker Burger, Baggio Burger, Honest Burger – and just like the shades of pink on my nails, princess needs a bit of variety in her life. So I ordered the fried chicken – and the dirty tits kit. And a couple of beers. Yeah I like beer – what are you looking at? Blame Mother. Blame Scunthorpe.

Burger & Beyond Order Placed

So the Burger & Beyond website states, “We’ve included easy to follow, step by step cooking instructions in every box.”. Hmmm, given that I only started cooking my own food in lockdown when I furloughed my chef, this may not be so easy. And why did it recommend a temperature probe? Not a fan of upselling.

Recommend That You Buy Temperature Probes

Shortly after ordering, I read the cooking instructions that came with the meal where it suggests that a deep fat fryer is required. Deep fat fryer? But I live in Kensington. Why would I have a deep fat fryer?

Beyond Scunthorpe

Mother had a deep fat fryer when I was growing up in Scunthorpe. Lunch would be from the deep fat fryer. Dinner would be from the deep fat fryer. At least my Sugar Puffs were left alone. You could say that I am scarred from years of deep fried McCain products. Princess needs her salad, vegetables and for the Daily Mail to stop harassing Daddy’s friends because he is INNOCENT.

The alternative was a deep pan with lots of vegetable oil.


Saturday came and for the 8th time since March I had convinced myself that I had covid-19 symptoms though it was possibly more due to the cheap coke and over-indulgence on prosecco from the night before. And I thought more about my lack of self-trust when it comes to cooking.

I chickened out of frying it. Geddit? Chickened out…of frying chicken?

I did, however, do this thing called marinating (not to be confused with serenading, though I still got my sparkly tiara out for the occasion), which is where you soak the chicken tenders in the supplied buttermilk, for 4 hours in the fridge. And yes, I do know what a fridge is – it is for chillaxing prosecco and beer.

4 hours later, I allowed the buttermilk to drip off, rubbed the chicken tenders in the supplied breading mix (of which I still have plenty) and whacked them in the oven. Yes, the oven.

Burger & Beyond Fried Chicken & Potato Tots

Topped with two small pickles, they don’t actually look too bad, do they?

The mess on the right side was the potato tots. The option to deep fry them was there, but the instructions also suggested oven cooking. You don’t need Michael Gove to give you his “expert” decision on which option I chose.

Beyond Tits

Let’s start with the tots, as they look messy and well, were messy, albeit with a knife and fork. I have no idea what potato tots are supposed to be – they were kinda soft yet structured, and of themselves had minimal flavour.

The bacon bits and parmesan (both supplied) gave it a smoky taste, but the two sauces (also supplied) then just overkilled it – I liked the buffalo sauce, which was tangy and a bit smoky, the ranch sauce I was less convinced by, but all of this together was just – yacky. Too much going on.

When I cooked the potato tots the next night, I discarded the sauce and it was more appetising, but still this dish wasn’t really for me. Princess needs her greens…this was just too carby and heavy for my personal tastes.

It’s the kind of thing that might be amazing when you are out at a wannabe celeb bar, having your photograph taken and waiting for your coke dealer who is 2 hours late again and you drunkenly order the chips, not realising that you are getting a potato volcano, but then secretly love it.

The chicken tenders on the other hand were sexy, despite my being frightened into oven cooking them.

I’m not sure whether it was the buttermilk marinating, or the quality of the chicken itself – but the chicken from Burger & Beyond was ridiculously tender – like, better than Waitrose kinda tender.

The secret sauce? Well, it can stay secret but it was…actually I cannot really remember what it was like, perhaps a bit like a cross between mustard and salad cream.

I would say deffo go for the chicken tenders – they were top notch, and if you like in Scunthorpe then take advantage of your deep fat fryer, I’m sure they are even better in one. The potato tots – well, if you are feeling adventurous, sure, but I would have been more satisfied without.

The beer, I hear you ask? Well, I didn’t have it until the next afternoon – College Drop-Out was a bit wishy washy, but pleasant enough. Green Mountain a more meaty IPA.

Beyond Bored Of Reading This Shit Just Give Me A Score

I guess you are desperate to know how I scored it?

Value for money: 6/10
Ease of cooking: 3/10
Delivery: 10/10
Quality Of Ingredients: 8/10
Originality: 6/10
Flavour: 7.5/10
Wooness: 6/10

You’ll notice two new scoring categories – I still haven’t quite got my scoring system down, and I don’t really know what wooness is, so I hope that helps. Scoring would have been higher had I only had the chicken.

Altogether that gives it a DeliverWoo score of 66%. Pretty solid. You can order from the Burger & Beyond website – don’t forget, they also sell burgers. And beer. And wine. And COCKTAILS! And a hazelnut brownie which I really regret not ordering. Oh yeah, and temperature probes.

Burger & Beyond Box Of Goodness

I think I’ll be back with something next week. No idea what – too many of these kits are for 4 people and I don’t really want the same meal 4 nights in a row. I don’t even eat 4 nights in a row that often.

Suggestions welcomed for meal kits for 1-2 people – or perhaps, desserts in the post.

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