August 12, 2020
Darlings! This week I’m reviewing cookies. And I don’t mean those weird tracking things that keep popping up every single fucking time you visit a website. I mean Beeston Cookies.
Sadly I had no restaurant kit to review, which is the main focus of this blog.
Instead, I had finally decided to go on my staycation – to Stratford. The Stratford with the river and the gangs of tourists, not the Stratford with the Olympics and the gangs of hoodies. And hence I took some cookies with me.
It was literally a palace in our gorgeous hotel, just a short walk from the canal and river, replete with this gorgeous swan family. Apparently owned by some cow who won’t acknowledge my existence, though she’ll be dead soon enough so who cares. Ooooh inheritance? Hmmm.
They are cute though, aren’t they? I wanted to feed them but all I had on me was those cookies and half a gram of cocaine. I watched them eat the weeds at the side of the walkway – they are probably vegan anyway. I mean, they do get a bit angry sometimes.
I went for the Mixed Cookies Box B – there wasn’t a box A or C so I’m not entirely sure what the Box B meant. Neither was I sure about allergy information (yeah one of those annoying nut allergy people was with me and I didn’t fancy a trip to a prole hospital, especially now that public houses are open), and delivery information on Beeston Cookies website wasn’t exactly clear either.
Luckily cookily the cookies arrived just a few hours before my chauffeur picked me up. Delivered by Royal Mail, sigh, they just appeared through my letterbox having spent 2-3 days in the post I guess. Not entirely sure Royal Mail are the most effective means of keeping cookies fresh, especially in a heatwave.
I know, I bet you are wondering what is inside, but I only took one more photograph so I’ll have to leave it for later. I didn’t even photograph the cookie that I dropped on the hotel floor, but more about that in about two paragraph’s time, depending on how much nonsense I can think of in the meantime.
There were several flavours in the box. Oreo and white chocolate, Nutella stuffed Snickerdoodle (the what?), Kinder white chocolate hazelnut spread, Malteser fudge, Chocolate dough with salted caramel, and finally, Mini eggs and white chocolate. Excuse the random capitalisation, I just copy and pasted it.
Once drunk on the Friday night, I decided that I’d do something so shocking as to have one before offering to the fam, as you know, I’d paid for it. Well, technically Daddy paid for it but I cannot be seen in public with him and I don’t think he eats cookies. I’m told he is more a muffin kinda guy.
My choice was the mini-eggs and white chocolate one, which I opened and it proceeded to fall out of the bottom of the wrapper, onto the hotel bedroom floor. Don’t tell anyone, but I still ate it.
I didn’t notice as much mini egg or white chocolate as I had expected from looking at the photographs on the website – which was probably because there wasn’t as much white chocolate or Mini Eggs as the one photographed on the website.
This was my least memorable cookie, due to copious amounts of prosecco and, erm, beer – yet it was the best of the 3 that I managed to scavenge.
The fam each had one the next day, and I didn’t recall much enthusiasm from them, given that they had cost £20 for the box including postage, my non-royalty sister said hers was a bit dry.
I agreed. I also had the hazelnut spread one and I was just a bit meh about it. And on the final day I had the Nutella one – this was back at home so I whacked it in the oven, but this was even drier. I didn’t even finish it. Yes, Princess did not finish her cookie.
You want cookies to be soft and a little chewy, with just a slight oozyness from them. And sadly, these Beeston Cookies were anything but.
There is, of course, an elephant in the room here in that there was a heatwave, so potentially they were dry because they had been baked before they got to me – they were delivered by Royal Mail. So do take this review with a pinch of heatwave-related salted caramel – maybe they are much fresher during autumn, and I’d dearly like to hear whether I had just been unlucky.
Bees In Your Bum
Value for money: 5/10
Ease of cooking: 9/10
Delivery: 5/10 (Royal Mail, urgh)
Quality Of Ingredients: 4/10
This gives an overall score of 50% which I’m afraid is definitely a DeliverWaa – my first DeliverWaa of the blog.
Don’t discount them totally, I’m hoping that I just had a disappointing experience because they were dried out by the heat.
Alas, I probably should have fed them to the swans. Fuck you Lizzie and fuck your swans.